But, I’m home. Will be going out shortly for the last grocery run in preparation for the dinner. I’m hosting, but it’s been a confusing time of where and how many this year. I’m grateful for those that will join my table. A holiday to give thanks.
Around the country folks are planning how they will or will not get together this year. Holiday time is a perfect time for families to get reacquainted. For some, the adult children may be planning time away and that time just might include visiting the folks.
I use the plural word “folks” here, but being raised by a single mom I’m sensitive to the use of this word meaning two. I’m also sensitive to the multiple-step families that might need to be seen during the holiday. And then there is the sensitivity to families that just don’t talk to each other.
I’ve been asked by many clients this year about the affect retirement and aging has on adult children.
Just as retirement has changed for the baby boomers so has how to have parents aging changed for children.
The holiday table has been turned upside down as children start seeing that their parents aren’t getting any younger. Adult children begin thinking perhaps they will have to become parents to the folks that raised them.
Today’s adult children, whether they’re part of the squeeze generation with parents in their 90’s or they’re in their 40s and the parents are in their 70s, the question of how we help our parents is changing.
Their need for help with the dinner or with their lives may or may not be welcome. The words, “Mom, let me get the dish off that shelf for you” becomes a war cry to some that our age and health are getting noticed.
For some, children wonder if their parents will be around to celebrate the holidays next year, or is this the dreaded “last”.
Remember all those pictures you have of your kids. Each one represents that new year. You focus on the little girl or boy in the picture seeing the first tooth, or braces, or a diploma. We don’t often look at ourselves in those pics. We too are growing up. A little more or less hair, a little change of how we stand. Aging is in the moments for both young and the old.
In generations past, families invited their aging parents into their homes. They were sometimes revered and waited on and made ‘comfortable’ until their death. Except for our most fragile elders this is not in the plans of those retiring today. There are bucket lists to be accomplished, travel to be done, books to be written. And yet…how children see their role in the future ‘raising’ of their parents is a mystery.
So how can this holiday time together bring the questions about aging to the forefront. Here are some three possible ideas-
1. Changing Up the Traditions.
Growing up, my mother always hosted Thanksgiving. My uncle and his wife and 8 kids would all join our table. We had the adult table formally set with cloth napkins in the dining room, and we also had the little play children’s table in the kitchen. I almost made it to the big one, but by that time there were too many of us getting bigger, so instead of a little table in the kitchen we just graduated to the real kitchen table with paper napkins.
Families are generally not as large any more, but a change up of plans with relatives can still be done. One year my sons and families all met in Portland where we all had to travel and we spent three days together playing. We even did what’s called an Escape Adventure, where everyone is locked in a room for an hour and needs to work together to get out. We did a Sherlock Holmes puzzle. I’m sure some of you are thinking that being locked in a room with your family for an hour would be a nightmare. For us it was a wonderful time, playing together, creating new memories. We had pizza at a local restaurant across from Powell’s bookstore for our Thanksgiving dinner. You know it tasted great and a lot less work.
Have you tried just doing something different? Perhaps this is the year to do it. Actually talk about what would be a good holiday event rather than just assuming I’ll bring the potatoes to the feast.
If you won’t be seeing relatives, what about hosting a “family of the heart” dinner. Approximately 22% of adults over 60 don’t have an immediate family. Their folks have passed away, they didn’t have children or they just don’t live anywhere near people they consider family.
Bring together all those that you call family. See what variety your Thanksgiving table could have if you have a pot luck dinner of various family recipes.
Families get into ruts. They do the same old, same old, that’s called tradition when it’s the recipe for the pumpkin pie, but it’s deadly for relationships.
This year, if you’re around a Thanksgiving table realize that you and your children and their children are not the same people they were last year. Everyone has had new experiences and ways of doing things. Questions like, “what was your favorite book/movie/song this year” or “where was the most amazing sunset you saw?” will illicit memories from everyone at the table. Start conversations where you don’t know the answers.
- What’s your story?
Time together is also a great time to create memories but also time to pull those older memories to the forefront. Ask your parents what their favorite vacation was? Bring up memories of your vacations together so many years ago. Is there a favorite potato salad or green’s recipe that needs to be shared. There are also those other family stories you always wondered about, Ask if Aunt Suzie really did take off with Uncle Ernie…the answer might surprise you on so many levels.
Some family stories are never told. Some family stories need to be told. So listen and see what you hear this year. Maybe do some video interviews with members of your family so you’ll have them later. Maybe start working on your genealogy together. Get those dates of birth and death from folks who know them now.
One of the truths of aging is that none of us really know if this is our last holiday dinner. Talk together, listen to each other, learn together what it means to be your family.
And then there are those other conversations adult children need to have with the folks. Ok, so holidays are about making nice and enjoying each other. But there are questions both parents should be ready to chat about and the children should be ready to listen to.
Make a date and chat about these four big ticket items.
Finances/Estate Planning.
Are your parents financially secure? Is there a will? Whom should you contact in case of a death? Have they pre-planned their funeral? Where do they keep the passwords to all their accounts? All those really hard questions. Have you as the adult child done all these things and want your parents to know where your important papers are?
- Dreams.
What are your parents still dreaming about? They’re not dead, so stop asking about the weather when you chat on the phone and ask what has sparked their interest this week instead. You might think they’re enjoying the rocking chair, but ask what they would ditch it for in an instant if they could. If they tell you they’re off to Thailand next January, are you supportive or ready to lock them away. Think about how you want to support their dreams.
- Their home.
Is it their forever space? Too many stairs or rooms? Are you willing to help them downsize? Have you taken your stuff out of their house? Do they want to move closer to you…or further away? What does home mean to them, to you?
- Their time.
I know it’s hard to believe that parents have lives. It’s hard to know that parents, for the most part, aren’t always waiting for their children to contact them. Respect that they may not wish to babysit or be there when you’re free. But, don’t forget about them either, not hearing from the kids adds to the stressors of aging. Would you make these assumptions with a best friend?
This Thanksgiving, be grateful that those around the dining table are there. For those seeing their parents, hug them, even if it’s hard to do. For those not seeing their folks in person, maybe have a Skype or Face time reunion.
The Thanksgiving table has been turned upside down, what conversations will you put on the table?
